Watch Your Heart
by Chucychito
Summary: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, Francis Bonnefoy, and Kiku Honda are novice FBI agents tasked with monitoring Lovino Vargas, Matthew Williams, and Alfred Jones, respectfully. (We've all seen the memes about the FBI agents who watch us through our screens. It was only a matter of time before someone wrote a fic for it. I'm not ashamed that that person is me.)
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys. So I wrote a thing as a joke and it grew a lot bigger than I ever thought it would, whoops. There was just supposed to be one story here, and now I've got several plot lines and graphic organizers to help me sort them out. No, I haven't forgotten about my other fics, I promise none of them are abandoned (even that one that hasn't been updated in a year). I just got really excited about this idea and then I couldn't write anything else, haha.

(Also, about the Geo metro Alfred drives? I asked my mom for the worst car she could think of and that's what she offered from personal experience. I don't know anything about cars, guys.)

* * *

What higher power had Lovino angered to deserve such torture? His roommate was usually quiet as a mouse, which would have been great and all if his stupid fucking brother didn't always feel the need to wake him up at such unholy hours of the morning. Who fucking cares about breakfast this early anyway? There were about five things Lovino could list that would make for a perfect Saturday morning, most of which included sleep and all of which excluded obnoxious brothers.

"Sorry," Matthew apologized before Lovino could voice most of his tirade out loud. "I thought he'd be a bit yet, and I was going to wait outside for him..."

"It's fine," Lovino huffed irritably, even though it most certainly was not fine. He wasn't about to yell at Matthew, though. "What time is it, even?" He squinted at the weak light emanating from the closed blinds, taking note of the red uniform Matthew was smoothing out in the mirror. "You're going to work?"

Lovino missed the smirk that pulled at Matthew's lips as the latter made his way to open the door. "Yes. It's after 11."

"Ugh." Lovino groaned and burrowed underneath his comforter. "Tell your idiot brother to shut the Hell up next time."

"I can try, but you know him." Lovino did, unfortunately.

The door clicked open, swiftly accompanied by Matthew's soft voice politely shushing Alfred's buoyant chatter. "Yes, we can get some Denny's," Lovino heard him agree before the door closed again and the room was silent once more.

A few minutes thereafter were spent fruitlessly chasing the last remnants of precious sleep before Lovino sighed and reluctantly accepted the fact that he was well and truly awake. Without removing the blanket from over his head, he blindly reached about for his phone and pulled it towards himself.

A Saturday spent alone in bed, scrolling through social media and searching for memes to fill the void within himself? A concept Lovino was sadly accustomed to.

* * *

"You don't have your apron," Matthew commented in confusion, walking down the dorm hallway beside Alfred.

Alfred shrugged casually. "Ehh, I called in. Not feeling it today."

Matthew raised a brow. "You know they're going to see you drop me off, right? You could get in trouble."

Alfred waved his hand dismissively. "Ah, who cares. I'm the best they got. They ain't gonna fire me." He grinned and winked at Matthew.

Matthew rolled his eyes even as he held the door for his brother to pass through. "And I bet you're not going to take this day off to catch up on your homework or anything."

"Nope!" Alfred agreed cheerfully. "That's the beauty of a day off."

Matthew personally disagreed, but resigned to keep quiet about it. If he wanted to keep his opinion, anyway, it was best not to argue with Alfred or he'd inevitably end up unironically agreeing with him. Damn Alfred's innate lawyer skills.

"So, what're you getting to eat?" Alfred asked once they were in his (God awful) yellow Geo metro and pulling out of the driveway (Alfred insisted that his car was in good shape, but the rear view mirror was held together with duct tape and there were dents all over from where Alfred's roommate had introduced it to a crowbar. Alfred had never offered an explanation and Matthew was too scared to ask).

Matthew smiled sheepishly. "Is that even a question anymore?"

"No, let me guess." Alfred didn't take his eyes off the road, but gestured with one hand as he spoke. He paused for a second and pretended to think, before snapping his fingers and saying, "Pancakes. With tons of syrup."

Matthew laughed. "Of course. And you're going for the all American breakfast, I take it?"

"Bingo!" Alfred accented his excitement with a few drums on the steering wheel. "It's gonna be lit, fam."

Matthew grimaced. "Please, don't."

Alfred laughed loudly, and although it was indeed a mildly obnoxious sound, it was rather infectious, and Matthew couldn't help but join in.

"Hey," Alfred began once they'd both quieted a bit, "I was gonna ask about work last night. Any new horror stories to share with the class?"

Matthew suddenly felt exhausted, and he rubbed at his eyes beneath his glasses. "Not really. I witnessed someone tear a debit card to pieces with their bare hands at the checkout. Nothing too impressive."

"Yikes," Alfred whistled appreciatively. "I bet I could do that."

"I won't take that bet," Matthew commented drily.

"And you know- wait," Alfred altogether paused, shushing Matthew before he could even question the sudden change. "Hey, listen!" he leaned forward and turned the radio up.

It was the intro to "Sweet Child of Mine". Alfred looked ridiculously excited about it, and Matthew mockingly raised a brow. Alfred responded by sticking his tongue out and turning the music up.

"We're not going Stepbrothers," Matthew warned, but it was too late, and then Alfred was shrieking,

" _She's got a smile that it seems to me, reminds me of childhood memories, where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky_ come on Mattie!"

Matthew shook his head, too busy laughing to sing along.

"You're ridiculous," Matthew pointed out at the end of the first chorus, to which Alfred just beamed. And then they were both singing,

 _"Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place where as a child I'd hide, and pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by."_

And for that moment, at least, neither of them had to pretend to be happy.

* * *

Francis absently tapped his pen on his desk, staring blankly at the computer screen. " _Where do we go, where do we go now,"_ he muttered.

Kiku, walking past with a cup of coffee, stopped to offer him a sympathetic smile. "Is the song in your head, too?"

Francis, leaping at the quick reprieve from his boredom, swiveled his chair around. "Sometimes I think it is sad that they spend so much time together, and other times I am glad they do so I have someone to complain to about them."

Kiku laughed softly. "I have to agree."

"I need help," Antonio interrupted urgently, dramatically maneuvering his chair over to Francis's cubicle. "Oh hi, Kiku!" he said cheerfully, before returning his concerned expression to Francis. "Lovino's sad again and he keeps ignoring the positive ads I keep sending him. What should I do?"

"Technically," Kiku began carefully, "we're not supposed to intervene-"

"Easy!" Francis exclaimed. "Get him a date!"

"What?"

"Yeah! Dates are fun and it will give him a reason to go outside," Francis insisted.

"I don't know…" Antonio pretended to mull it over. For some reason, he really didn't like that idea very much. He glanced over at Kiku, knowing full well that the usually sensible Japanese man would reject Francis's plan. "What do you think?"

"We really shouldn't get too involved," Kiku reiterated.

"Okay, that's off the table then." Antonio shrugged. "What else?"

"Well, I am not sure, dating is usually the answer." Francis frowned.

"You know him better than we do," Kiku pointed out. "What makes him happy?"

Antonio lit up. "I do! _Gracias_ Kiku!" he beamed, and abruptly rolled his chair back to his own corner.

"You're welcome?" Kiku called in bewilderment. He shared a glance with an equally taken aback Francis.

"Are you going to drink that?" Francis asked after a several second pause. Kiku blinked, but sighed and handed the mug over.

" _Merci,_ Kiku!"

Did he love his job or hate it? Kiku couldn't even tell anymore.

* * *

So let me know what you thought? I love feedback! The update schedule may be a bit hectic as I have a bajillion other stories to catch up on, but I really do try my best.

Also, Matthew works at Target and Alfred works at the Starbucks in that Target.


	2. Chapter 2

Privately, Lovino took a fair amount of pride in his quasi-successful social media accounts. Publically, Lovino would never admit that he even had these accounts in the first place.

Tumblr for the dark memes that hit a bit too close to home, Twitter for his idle musings (usually complaints about politics and doing menial tasks, so no wonder it was his most popular platform), and Instagram for his many aesthetically pleasing photos of pasta. Lovino had it all. Except, Facebook was Feliciano's realm. Lovino dare not tread there.

It was a very organized system that sometimes fed briefly into Lovino's desire for validation, but he had to admit, other times it was just… Lacking.

But, oh well. No use overthinking about things.

Lovino unplugged his phone and rolled to his other side. Seeing as how he was awake, he might as well send a text to Alfred.

 **12:12 PM**

 _Bastard._

He felt better already.

* * *

Alfred sat idling in the Target parking lot well after Matthew had already gone inside, fingers on the steering wheel tapping idly along to "Dream On" that was drifting from the radio. What to do now?

"Sing with me," Steven Tyler suggested. "Sing for the years."

Nah. Alfred turned the radio down a notch.

Sighing, Alfred pulled out his phone. Maybe he could hit somebody up and they could hang out for the day? But, no, maybe not, because Alfred only had about seven contacts in his phone, including his parents and Matthew. Toris had likely been called in to take Alfred's shift today, so that crossed him off the list, and Lovino probably wouldn't be happy to see Alfred so soon after this morning. Gilbert's number was still in his phone, but he'd "been laid off of college" (as Matthew had explained it, although Alfred wasn't sure how one went about getting paid leave of school) a few months ago and they hadn't really spoken much since. That left just Arthur, but Alfred seriously doubted his history professor would appreciate him dropping by on a Sunday, especially when he was still a few days behind on the homework for the class.

Well, he wasn't about to go back to his dorm, that was for sure. Mostly because he'd saran wrapped everything Ivan owned (including his bed and his desk) and was not prepared to return to whatever Ivan had done/would do in retaliation (regardless, Alfred had no regrets).

His phone dinged and lit up in his hands. Reluctant at first to open the message, he considered ignoring it in case it was another threat from Ivan (the last had simply read "come home so I can kill you ^_^." It was made creepier by the fact that the number was unlisted and only showed a single question mark). Thankfully, it was just Lovino.

 **Tomato Slut 12:12 PM**

 _Bastard_.

Alfred snorted. Classic.

* * *

 **McBastard 12:13 PM**

 _Sorry lol. are you busy today dude? we could hang out er something_

Lovino groaned melodramatically. Leaving the house? On a Sunday? No thank you. He politely declined the offer and opened up Chrome.

Only to be greeted immediately by a grossly positive ad about the maintenance of friendship relying on cooperation and willingness to spend time together.

"What is this even trying to sell me?" Lovino complained out loud with a tsk. "And why is now of all times the first I ever see it."

Clicking out of the ad only replaced it with another even brighter one, with horrible comic sans font proclaiming, "experts say going outside and being social is good for your health."

Lovnio scoffed, now well and truly offended. Some experts those liars must be. "Who do you think you are! If this is the stupid universe giving me a sign you can go to Hell. Leave me alone!" It occurred to him then that he was yelling at his phone like an idiot, and he groaned in embarrassment. "This is stupid."

* * *

 **Tomato Slut 12:14 PM**

 _Fuck off._

Well, it couldn't be said that Alfred hadn't expected as much. He sighed and let his phone slip dramatically through his fingers and into his lap.

Well, he supposed there were other things to do. He could window shop at wal-mart, drive around the city with his good friend the radio, maybe take a nap in his car…

Before his thoughts could get too sad, his phone chimed once again.

 **Tomato Slut 12:18 PM**

 _Whatever im driving. i dont want to be seen in your trashy car._

Somehow relieved and offended at the same time, Alfred shook his head fondly. Well, now he had to figure out what they could do for a few hours. He was pretty sure Ivan would check all the fast food restaurants in town first, so it was best to stay well away from those for awhile. And while this of course was a fact to mourn- because although he'd just eaten breakfast at Denny's he couldn't deny that McDonald's sounded extra good at the moment- at least he knew of one thing he and Lovino could bond over for the afternoon: screwing with car salespeople by taking brand new cars for test runs until revealing that they're poor college students.

This was going to be a good day.

* * *

"It worked!" Antonio announced proudly (or rather, he practically squealed in excitement). "I got him to go outside! But he did yell a lot."

"Doesn't he always yell a lot?" Kiku pointed out, once again having overheard after walking by with a new cup of coffee.

"Well," Antonio drew the word out a bit, trying to think of something to say in defense. "Not all the time. He's very cute, you know!"

"How do you help him?" Kiku asked tentatively. "I know that we are not supposed to interact with them at all, but it's very hard to ignore them sometimes." Hesitantly, he added, "Especially when the one you are assigned to is not going to work or doing his homework and is instead crying while watching Friends or The Office every day."

Francis quickly rolled his chair over to join the conversation and Kiku casually hid his coffee cup. "Matthew is not like that," he chirped boastfully. "But his lack of a love life is really concerning… And he does have a few… attributes that make me sad. It is a good thing that he has someone like me looking out for him!"

Kiku grimaced. "But… How do you two interfere without giving yourselves away?"

Antonio shrugged. "I send ads or wrong number texts. Sometimes I him nice things on Twitter or send him asks on Tumblr- he likes those. And once or twice I tried to call but he doesn't answer numbers he doesn't know. Which is very smart!"

"I have an account on this app that I talk to Matthew on sometimes," Francis said. At the incredulous look from Kiku, he quickly added, "it is not creepy! I mostly just help him exercize his French. We do not talk much."

"Uh, that's a bit risky," Kiku said carefully. "I think I will stick with Antonio's advice. No offense, Francis."

"It really is not as bad as it seems!" Francis protested.

A sudden irritated shout came from one of the cubicles in front of them, and Elizabeta poked her head over the flimsy half wall to glare at the other three agents. "Sorry to interrupt your conversation but some of us have stressful issues to take care of and all the chatter is not very helpful!"

"Aw, what has Gilbert gotten himself into today?" Francis asked with a fond grin.

"Don't tell me Ludwig grounded him again, the three of us were going to go out tonight!" Antonio laughed.

Elizabeta rolled her eyes. "No," she sighed. "It is… Complicated. I can give you more details after work." She dropped back down into her seat only to jump back up for a second to add, "or you could ask him yourselves. Just please let me figure out what to do here."

Francis, Kiku, and Antonio exchanged glances. "Good luck," Kiku called helpfully.

"I wonder what is going on?" Francis whispered a few seconds later.

Antonio shrugged. "I guess we'll find out. Hey, Kiku, are you going to drink that?"

* * *

Sorry about the wait! It's summer now so I should be able to update at least a little bit more frequently. But hey, if you get bored I have other Hetalia stories if you're interested ;) (please excuse my shameless self promo)

Anyway, please let e know what you thought! I'm sorry if this seemed like a filler chapter but it's important. The next chapters are (probably) going to be longer and more interesting.

Thank you guys so much for reviewing, favoriting, and reading! It means a lot to me :)


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